In Silencio Dei

As we wrap up 2014 and look towards 2015 I find myself reflecting on where life has gone during these twelve months. While I've had some high points (like losing 50 pounds) to be frank this year has been thematically marked by pain, depression and loneliness. A new job assignment that is not going well. Multiple family deaths, the most recent being my grandmother. Terminal illness in other relatives. Marginalization by those who share my faith. And a very Merry Christmas to you, sir. Throughout these long days I've looked inward and outward desperately searching for God in the midst of all this. Where are you in all this pain? Why can't I sense your presence? Why can't I feel your peace? Have you abandoned me? When I search the Bible for hope I find passages that speak to the goodness of God. I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. Jeremiah 31:3 Never will I leave; never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5 You will see...

During my fourteen years working as a software engineer I've been a part of various teams. Most have been healthy groups working with wonderful people while others have been less than ideal. Recently I joined a new team and was a bit surprised by one of the first assignments. My manager gave us a copy of Zingerman's Guide to Giving Great Service by Ari Weinzweig and told us to read it and think of ways to apply the principles to our work. If you're not familiar with Zingerman's it is a small deli located in Ann Harbor, Michigan, and is known for taking the best ingredients to make the best food while providing the best customer service. It's grown from a deli to include a restaurant, bakery, creamery, mail-order service, training service and more, all locally based in Ann Harbor. I was curious what we as a team of computer engineers and architects could learn from a deli but it turns out the principles Ari describes are applicable to any organization regard...

My family and I just returned from a brief vacation to San Diego. We spent a week enjoying the beach, Legoland and my favorite part of the trip, a tour of the USS Midway. On the whole it was a delightful getaway. I would be lying if I said there was neither bickering nor the occasional meltdown but, hey, that's all part of the fun of spending time together as a family. We also had a chance to visit with my brother-in-law's family and see our new niece for the first time, a Miss Charlotte Rae. What a cutie! He and my sister-in-law certainly know how to make darling babies. One thing I prayed for during this visit was an opportunity to have a spiritual discussion with them. Not in an awkward, preachy way but rather something natural that was full of grace and respect. Both of them are more in the skeptical camp with a pinch of post-modern relativism and agnostic uncertainty. They are very much in line with the current belief of this generation. Spiritual but not religious. Al...

Thanks to a friend at church today my boys, my father and I had the opportunity to attend the Capital City Airshow in Sacramento. I haven't been to an air show since I was a kid and it was incredible to re-live the experience through the eyes of a father with my sons. If you have never been to an air show before I highly recommend it. The most impressive part of the event was the finale showcasing the F-22 Raptor performing a heritage flight with the P-38 Lighting, a WWII-era American fighter. The sight of past and present flying together was truly a sublime experience. I found myself awestruck with just how far we have advanced aviation in just over 60 years. A feeling of pride washed over me. Pride over what the American ingenuity has been able to accomplish. Pride that the United States Air Force has a weapon this powerful in its arsenal. Pride that we live in a country where I can freely attend an event like this with my father and sons. A feeling of fear also washed over m...

Have you had days that are just plain exhausting? Days where it seems the world is conspiring to find your last nerve and do the Hokey Pokey all over it? Over these past few days life has been putting its left foot in, left foot out, left foot in and shaking it all about. We're celebrating Labor Day with my wife's family which means we're out of our normal routine. And as parents of little ones what happens when we stray from routine? Hot mess, that's what happens. "Be nice. Walk away. Use your words. Put it down. Sit at the table. Take turns. Eat your next bite, please. Calm down." These phrases flow from my lips with thoughtless Pavlovian effort. You would think after twelve years of marriage Mrs. Collins would know these things. :-) In all seriousness it is hard being a parent. You wonder if you're having any positive impact at all on your kids. I'm still in the thick of it so check back with me in a decade. Despite all the correcting my wife an...

I was on my long run this Saturday morning, the distance and pace being neither important nor impressive. Let's just say it was long enough to break out the mango slices halfway through. Out of all my workouts I enjoy the long run the best. It's a socially acceptable manner of being a recluse and ignoring the clamor of people. I usually spend the time listening to music as it helps keep my mind from playing tricks on my body to quit early. This particular morning I was tuned to Slacker Radio's Fired Up Pop Hits channel. One song in particular captured my ears and thoughts. "Price Tag" by Jessie J is a catchy tune that speaks to the consumerism and selling out. I won't quote the whole song, but some of the lyrics are pretty profound. Seems like everybody's got a price I wonder how they sleep at night When the sale come first And the truth comes second ... Why is everybody so obsessed? Money can't buy us happiness Can we all slow down and enj...

This week we said goodbye to one of the matriarchs in the family. My aunt Kathy had a tremendous gift for making everyone feel welcomed and loved. Her cheerful manner, warm disposition and smiling blue eyes greeted you on every visit. She made sure there was plenty of food and coffee on hand while games of Hearts and Golf carried on to the wee hours of the morning. Family was at the top of her priority list, kids most of all. Along with the rest of my family and her friends I'm going to miss her a bunch. Aunt Kathy (right) and her daughter Taunya Death is such a roller coaster, full of all sorts of emotional mountains and valleys. Sadness over of the barrier that now separates us. Happiness that the suffering is now over. Regret over any words or actions left unspoken and undone. Hope that the comforting passages of scripture are true. Doubts that they may not be. It's exhausting. As I grieve with my family over the passing of my aunt, I think about others I have said g...